If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
