well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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