Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
