pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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