I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
