you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
