I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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