I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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