The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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