i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
