I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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