cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
