I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
