so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
