she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
