paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
