I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
