Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
