i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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