I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
