Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
