Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
