Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
