I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
