So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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