Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
