hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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