We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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