I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
