And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
