can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
