I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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