woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
