I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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