apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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