I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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