i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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