i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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