im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
