I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
