The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
