I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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