i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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