Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
