We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's shark week go big or go home
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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