plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
