So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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