y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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