guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
