I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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