I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
