saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
