My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
