Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
