I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
