good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
