Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Randomize
