My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
