Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
